Tonight is the last night of my 2 1/2 week visit in good ol' Casper, and it feels extremely bittersweet. There's no place like home. I love the people here, being close to my family, the beautiful landscape, how simple life feels in a small town, the smell of Murdoch's, how every person here owns a truck and a dog, and how the "worldly things" aren't such a temptation in a place like Casper. There are no billboards for lazer-lipo and nose jobs, and there aren't tons of expensive department stores and boutiques here to waste your time dreaming about how you wish you could afford the things in them. I say its bittersweet leaving here because I don't want to leave, but I miss Robbie terribly. I can't wait to see him tomorrow night. I wish I could have the best of both worlds, and hopefully someday I can.
Back on point here... the main thing I love about Casper is that the members of the church are different here. Here in Casper, us mormons aren't in abundance like they are in Utah, therefore the members are more friendly here and inviting to those who are new or visiting. In Utah, members are everywhere, so when you are new or visiting, nobody says "hello" or makes you feel welcome. (In my first ward, the relief society president asked if I was a visitor every single sunday for 9 months...) The wards are full of cliques and micro-communities. I am going to try to bring back the "wyoming welcome" feeling to my ward back in Utah when I get home. I can't complain about how members are in Utah if I'm not willing to try and change it myself.
The thing I really wanted to talk about tonight was about the lesson we had in Relief Society this past Sunday. Church was at 9 and I was so dead tired from Brynn not sleeping the night before. I was running on an hour and a half of sleep and had plans to come home as soon as sacrament meeting was over. After sacrament meeting, I just had a feeling like I should stay. I guess the word "prompting" is a more correct term. I did fall asleep for a few minutes during sunday school (whoops) but it did help me catch a second wind that I was in need of. In Relief Society we had a great lesson. I don't remember the teacher's name, but she was a cute, young, bubbly girl who looked to be about my age. She gave a talk about how important our thoughts are and how negativity can really make a huge difference. What we think directly affects how we act. It made me realize that I need to snap out of this negative persona I've been in the past 11 months or so. While I was pregnant, I felt so sick the entire time I literally felt like I was going to die most of the pregnancy. When you are in constant pain for an extended period of time, it makes you feel so negative. Not only was I grumpy and negative, I was too sick most of the time to make it through church and when you aren't attending church, you certainly do feel more negativity in your life without that weekly uplift that attending church brings. I felt angry, annoyed, and I was extremely grumpy and easily irritated. That became a habit, even through the times that I felt O.K., and carried over into my post-pregnancy. I have thought negative thoughts for such a long time that I have become a grumpy person. I am not a grumpy and unhappy person whatsoever, and this girl's lesson made me realize I need to SNAP OUT OF IT! Think good things about others and myself. Laugh about the things I can't control instead of get annoyed and frustrated. Smile at the strangers I walk past and make conversation with the lady in the checkout line at the store! Make the effort to stand out in my ward in Utah and force my way into the cliques, and once I'm there, try to make the members of the cliques realize that cliques are dumb! Let's make everybody feel welcome! Thats what the church is about, making people feel loved and being kind to everyone around us.
I tried out my new positive attitude today for the first time since before I was pregnant. I was at Hobby Lobby. I made conversation with the sweet old lady, Stella, who was cutting my fabric for me. I smiled at her. I talked to her. I could tell it made her day, and that directly resulted in making my day as well. I felt so happy and alive, how could I stop there? I got to the checkout line, and when the lady at the cash register asked me how I was today (like they do to every customer) I replied with the biggest smile and loudly and proudly said, "I am GREAT! How are you??" I wanted her to feel like I honestly cared about how she was doing, and to tell you the truth, I DID care about how she was doing. After paying I thanked her and told her to have a wonderful day. She looked taken back... usually that's their job to say that as you leave, not the customer's. I am not trying to brag or toot my own horn, but I am so proud of myself. I have felt so much happier at the end of today than I have in a really long time. And honestly, after months and months of negativity, I think I deserve to toot my own horn! Go Ashleigh!
I am on my way to becoming a happier and more positive person like I used to be and I am excited for every day that is ahead of me. Positive thoughts really do make a difference. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my beautiful daughter, Brynn, and I can honestly say I have yet to take a moment for granted with her. I am proud of that. She is my whole world and my heart has never before been so full of love. I love the happiness the gospel brings. I feel so greatly blessed; more blessed than I feel I deserve. The feeling of having a healthy baby and being a mommy is by far the best feeling in the world. I want her to grow up in a family of positive attitudes and thoughts. I have never been so excited about the future as I am now.
